Idle Mind

do you believe in instincts?..like the ability for your gut to tell you or rather inspire you to feel a certain way about/towards something..even when all the facts and situations are pointing in a completely different direction, your gut just still won't shut up..seriously, what do you do next?..

i wasn't prepared before..but now i know i am..i'm sure of it..i've regained my stability, i have accepted and moved on and i am now able to be rational, i believe..i sound like a chant from one of those self-help books..omg..

i don't know if what i'm feeling is real..i don't know anything anymore..but whatever i do feel is hella strong and it is not going away and i hate it..i hate being this out of control, it's stupid..i should be way past this childish phase of obsession..but instead what i know for sure is that it hurts so damn bad when it breaks into a million pieces in front of me and i can't fix it..and it doesn't effing go away..f***, go away!..i hate reading a blank wall, i hate the scary expanse of open sea..i h a t e i t a l l

but unfortunately this shitty roller-coaster i'm strapped into is the only thing that makes me feel, cornily enough, "alive"..it keeps life interesting..and as much as i hate it, i'm in love with it..what the hell is wrong with me..

maybe it's a good thing to distract myself with travelling..maybe i should just walk away and stay away..but these freakin fantasies are too tempting to ignore..oh God, i'm so pissed at myself right now!

arghhh, this silence in my room is killing me!..and i sound like a freakin psycho..super..

just for the record, i'm not suicidal or anything..and i'm emotionally perfectly fine..maybe doing too "fine" even :p..i'm just having a stupid problem with myself and i can't seem to fix it..i need to stop dreaming and focus..i can't seem to focus..dammit.