Trials & Tribulation

You know you must have done something extremely wrong in your life if the "craziest most unexpectedly sad none-sense that's just beyond your control" keeps on happening to you..

i've just went from an extreme high to a depressing low in the period of 3 days..

on monday, the 12th of April 2010, at exactly 3.00pm, i was offered a place in the University of Sheffield..i cannot explained the level of ecstasy i felt as i looked at my inbox rubbing my eyeballs..i couldn't even scream and didn't even know how to react as i sat there staring..eventually i started jumping and hugged my Kakak making weird mumbled screeches as i did..

the first person i called was my brother..then my mom..then someone else that just came to mind at the moment..i was happy..content and in disbelief..my dreams from wayyyyy back when is finally materializing..ya Allah..

then today happened..i got offered for the wrong programme..and i did NOT bloody notice this at all..i had apparently applied for an MA in Architecture Design..which is not an equivalent to a Part 2 qualification..but the thing is, i didn't..as my written, hardcopy form, says MArch in Architecture (RIBA Part 2)..but my online file says the previous..astaghfirullah....

the last time i felt this tense was when i was on the verge of failing my design in Part 5..

oh my God..oh my God..such tribulationnnnnn..

the situation can still be fixed..yes, it's true..it's true..and it will be..i know it willllllll!!..right?...

insyaAllah..oh God, please aid me in fixing this mess..please.....

it's been a while since i seriously majorly cried in public..thank you someone for calling me which forced me to stop immediately..i feel so otak bercelaru right now.......

Recent Ponder..

what if i'm a hypocrite? then what?..

what if i actually know that what i'm saying / telling is the opposite of what i really feel?..

what if i just don't want to admit it because i'm scared / worried / feeling really stupid / gonna cause stupid situations if i do?..

what if i'm torn between what's the right thing / best thing to do and what i actually really want?..

and what if what i want is stuuupppiidddd???? or i will never geeettttttt?????

oh.

...i wanna count sheep amongst the stars and catch a falling super-sheep-stah...

The End of April is going to be Awesome

OhMeGOD!! Yeay!!!!

i cant wait!!!

Robert Downey Junior, u are the only 40 something that i will turn so totally slutty for! rarrrrrrrr

Puchong?

i got lost on the road again today..like seriously lost, to the point i couldn't figure out my bearings and my instincts were zero..

i was doing well for the first 3/4 of the journey, remembering the directions from google maps..then what i imagined to be a regular T-junction turned out to be a raised fly-over on both sides with traffic lights in the middle..it made me panic and i over-shot and freaked out..

then after figuring out how to go about U-turn-ing, i forgot which side of the traffic light i came from and ended up going in circles..thank God for a BHP petrol station with a kind sales person inside, i eventually found my way..

i'm glad i gave myself an hour to get there..i anticipated getting lost, so i reached my destination on-time :) harharhar

then on the way home, something incredible happened..as i had confidently figured out my way back, they closed up the fly-over that would take me to the sunway toll..the one and only LDP fly-over (that i know of lah)..all the cars were directed down and i was like "ehh??"..and ended up going towards Balakong..i wanted to cry..

this is when i gave up with the road signs and called my dad..thank God thank God i had my phone with sufficient battery life..and i'm back home in one piece..

this is the story of my merry monday puchong adventure.

The Skyline of My Heart

went to ulu langat look out point today..the view was really, seriously pretty..even the food was good and the service superb..will definitely go again! =D

photo credits : owner of the blog on the bottom right

awesome photo :)

Anti Depressants on Cloud Nine

how can human feelings be so confusing, in such extremes, at the same time?..how can someone be ecstatic and depressed all at once?..how can i be dancing to pitbull and akon in the car and want to burst into tears while singing along?..

i'm kidding myself if i think i'm fine, because clearly i'm not.

upon reflection now, i'm sure i made the right decision..we are worlds a part, my life has no business in his and vice versa..i also don't think that i can forgive, nor forget, some of the things said when we fell through the cracks and especially the ones after it all ended..yes, i will say it in the open now, i think enough grace period has been spent..

i'm still sad, i'm still hurt, and i still haven't fully recovered..worst stilllll, i'm in denial..oh wait, now that i'm admitting it, i guess i'm not anymore?..ugh, whatever..

i received a message today..when i read it, it made me cry..then i realized who the message's from..then i just wanted to go home and bury myself in a pillow..i wish things were different..i wish we were different..but it wasn't and we aren't, and that's that.

i've gotten so used to not having to be alone that it proves to be quite difficult lately..my social awkwardness ratio and random fears have significantly increased..and the past 4 years of being engrossed in such specifics has rendered me a complete geek..i don't know if i'll ever be normal again..seriously..

ironically..i'm still sooooo excitably giddy over an awesom-azing-entertaining yesterday night..and within this hyper edged excitement is when i realize that i haven't fully let go yet..i still behave like i'm somebody's somebody..and that's a habit that'll take time to let go..

thank you so much for everything..but i'm so sorry..

i really want to let go....

i don't want to be mourning anymore