Baa Baa Black Sheep with Jack, Jill and the Hill

ugh..i lost the name card..yes i did..what a wonderful morning it's turning out to be..

i just got another disappointing reply from a university that i really reallllyyyyy REALLY want to go to..oh my God..it's me, isn't it? ..i don't pray enough..i've been having too much fun..i want it too much, or maybe not enough??..no, no, i wan't it too much..like Rachel said in glee "i want everything too much"..

i'm suppose to be devastated, which i am, but i'm too tired to feel..i'm only still awake because i just finished some office work due today..

i don't know what to feel..despite the countless rejections, life seems to be going in all the right directions..work is great..i love what i'm doing, and what i do is appreciated..that's all that i could hope for..i love my friends..i feel like giving them an XOXOXO just for fun every now and then..my adorable cat is occasionally obedient and oh-so-manja with me..my family is all healthy and well, alhamdulillah..everything is great actually..but i'm just not getting accepted to where i wanna go lah..

oh God..it can only be a sign right?..i dunno lah.....

Now, out of the 8 unis i applied to, the only hope left alive is from UCL (hahahahaha! i've so totally lost hope on this), Liverpool and the correct Sheffield course..sigh.....

Should i just take the Masters without the Part 2?..who knows where that would leave me??..honest question here, i'm really considering that unknown path..uuuuuggghhhhhh..

U know what, i tak larat nak apply for the Aussie ones dah..i don't wanna get rejected anymore!!! (v:__:v) tak sanggup......

To top it all off, i'm emotionally messed up again..it's not my hormones, it's really just me..i'm lost and depressive-ly verging on obsessive again..i'm probably hallucinating, seeing too much into absolutely nothing, and wanting AGAIN..i hate wanting!!..i'm such a loseerrrr..arggghhhhh!!....

i need a holiday..the beaches of Bali are calling to me..i need to centre my chakra..to manage my chi..to visualize the intangible strings of the universe to be as one with what is called me....

i need my pre-planned future back..i feel so unsettled not knowing..

Anti Depressants on Cloud Nine

how can human feelings be so confusing, in such extremes, at the same time?..how can someone be ecstatic and depressed all at once?..how can i be dancing to pitbull and akon in the car and want to burst into tears while singing along?..

i'm kidding myself if i think i'm fine, because clearly i'm not.

upon reflection now, i'm sure i made the right decision..we are worlds a part, my life has no business in his and vice versa..i also don't think that i can forgive, nor forget, some of the things said when we fell through the cracks and especially the ones after it all ended..yes, i will say it in the open now, i think enough grace period has been spent..

i'm still sad, i'm still hurt, and i still haven't fully recovered..worst stilllll, i'm in denial..oh wait, now that i'm admitting it, i guess i'm not anymore?..ugh, whatever..

i received a message today..when i read it, it made me cry..then i realized who the message's from..then i just wanted to go home and bury myself in a pillow..i wish things were different..i wish we were different..but it wasn't and we aren't, and that's that.

i've gotten so used to not having to be alone that it proves to be quite difficult lately..my social awkwardness ratio and random fears have significantly increased..and the past 4 years of being engrossed in such specifics has rendered me a complete geek..i don't know if i'll ever be normal again..seriously..

ironically..i'm still sooooo excitably giddy over an awesom-azing-entertaining yesterday night..and within this hyper edged excitement is when i realize that i haven't fully let go yet..i still behave like i'm somebody's somebody..and that's a habit that'll take time to let go..

thank you so much for everything..but i'm so sorry..

i really want to let go....

i don't want to be mourning anymore