Great Day for Giving

i'm in London, with sara-chan and her family..it's been a really nice and homey christmas so far, which is my favourite kind; nice, quite, comfortable and with great company..

this morning will be boxing day as it is past midnight already..we plan to leave really early to hunt for superb bargains and i'll have to make my way to my new bed for 3 nights..i'm starting to get nervous again :p sigh..need to sleep real soon..

i miss my parents and my brother..i wish they were here spending christmas with me..i wish i could be going back to a hotel room with them tomorrow..but that's not the case..sigh..it's still better than staying in Liverpool freaked and alone anyway.. so let's though it out and be more bad ass, yeah!! need to learn to travel on my own..

i also miss madam yaya..haha..it would have been great to meet her in London for christmas..but she deserves a better holiday than being stranded in a freezing airport..so we'll hopefully catch-up in summer, insyaAllah :)

we're letting back-to-back episodes of "southpark" disturb us to sleep..how disturbing is that :p

and a big congratulations to my cousin on her wedding yesterday!..it's unfortunate that i couldn't be there..but still fantastic all in all..i really wish i could teleport right now..someday, this will all be possible..ngahahahahaha..

goodnight dear cyber space..thanks for listening :)

Nightmare at 2.30am

Ok, I'm agitated and I can't sleep..so I've decided to write this post..

My gut has been quite accurate so far, if I really listened..I felt strongly on the win against Argentina, it was worrying but the winning feeling was there..I was however in denial with Spain and underestimated their slightly inconsistent form..clearly I was wrong and they played really well..

Confession : the day before the world cup began my mom had asked me who I thought would be champions this time around, and my answer was Spain..I didn't share this with anyone else..

I know, I'm such a traitor..

I've been a German fan since we (my wc girlfriends for life!!) started to watch this crazy time stopping worldwide event..it is officially our 3rd wc together n as German fans through n through..I don't even remember how we got about to being German fans but I think it had something to do with Michael Ballack, n the superb skills of Kahn, Lehman, Klose, Lahm, Mertesacker and the rest of the superstar senior team, just to name some favourites..

4 years ago, we being excitable young teens, stitched our own German gear, painted our nails black, red n yellow, even bought matching shoe laces to show our support..unfortunately, in the semis, Germany lost to Italy on penalties..we watched that game on foot for the full duration of 120minutes + + as we couldn't get a table..it was heartbreaking..

Today, history has repeated itself..only involving Spain this time, without penalties or even extra time..and all 3 of us girls were watching in separate venues..without too much German "merchandise" :p (there's a word for it, but I can't seem to dig it out of my brain)

Heartbreaking, again..

I will however admit that Spain was the better team today, with little drama involved in play for both sides..it was the worste Germany has performed in this wc, which did not suck considering they've been tremendous through out, and the best game from Spain so far..their passing was impeccable, aggressive atacking, crazy close-control and great team work..n most importantly, they delivered when it mattered the most..

I had said that if Germany was able to block-out Villa from scoring and prevent an early Spain goal then they would win..I was wrong..they did both n they still lost..

It was a good German team this year..mad young skills..just unfortunately not good enough..n I think Muller being out of the game had caused a big hole in their attacking formation..Klose, Muller, Ozil n Podolski have been playing really well together..I'm in love with Mesut Ozil btw..but am a little disappointed in his last 2 games though..I'm sure he can do better..*sigh..

All in all, my gut is sticking with Spain for champions..let's see if my gut is as accurate as Paul the octopus :p I'm so angry at this animal right now, although I know it's not its fault..sorry Paul, you're my punching bag for the rest of the world cup.

For what it's worth, Los Deutchsland!! Ich denke un dich.

Baa Baa Black Sheep with Jack, Jill and the Hill

ugh..i lost the name card..yes i did..what a wonderful morning it's turning out to be..

i just got another disappointing reply from a university that i really reallllyyyyy REALLY want to go to..oh my God..it's me, isn't it? ..i don't pray enough..i've been having too much fun..i want it too much, or maybe not enough??..no, no, i wan't it too much..like Rachel said in glee "i want everything too much"..

i'm suppose to be devastated, which i am, but i'm too tired to feel..i'm only still awake because i just finished some office work due today..

i don't know what to feel..despite the countless rejections, life seems to be going in all the right directions..work is great..i love what i'm doing, and what i do is appreciated..that's all that i could hope for..i love my friends..i feel like giving them an XOXOXO just for fun every now and then..my adorable cat is occasionally obedient and oh-so-manja with me..my family is all healthy and well, alhamdulillah..everything is great actually..but i'm just not getting accepted to where i wanna go lah..

oh God..it can only be a sign right?..i dunno lah.....

Now, out of the 8 unis i applied to, the only hope left alive is from UCL (hahahahaha! i've so totally lost hope on this), Liverpool and the correct Sheffield course..sigh.....

Should i just take the Masters without the Part 2?..who knows where that would leave me??..honest question here, i'm really considering that unknown path..uuuuuggghhhhhh..

U know what, i tak larat nak apply for the Aussie ones dah..i don't wanna get rejected anymore!!! (v:__:v) tak sanggup......

To top it all off, i'm emotionally messed up again..it's not my hormones, it's really just me..i'm lost and depressive-ly verging on obsessive again..i'm probably hallucinating, seeing too much into absolutely nothing, and wanting AGAIN..i hate wanting!!..i'm such a loseerrrr..arggghhhhh!!....

i need a holiday..the beaches of Bali are calling to me..i need to centre my chakra..to manage my chi..to visualize the intangible strings of the universe to be as one with what is called me....

i need my pre-planned future back..i feel so unsettled not knowing..

Trials & Tribulation

You know you must have done something extremely wrong in your life if the "craziest most unexpectedly sad none-sense that's just beyond your control" keeps on happening to you..

i've just went from an extreme high to a depressing low in the period of 3 days..

on monday, the 12th of April 2010, at exactly 3.00pm, i was offered a place in the University of Sheffield..i cannot explained the level of ecstasy i felt as i looked at my inbox rubbing my eyeballs..i couldn't even scream and didn't even know how to react as i sat there staring..eventually i started jumping and hugged my Kakak making weird mumbled screeches as i did..

the first person i called was my brother..then my mom..then someone else that just came to mind at the moment..i was happy..content and in disbelief..my dreams from wayyyyy back when is finally materializing..ya Allah..

then today happened..i got offered for the wrong programme..and i did NOT bloody notice this at all..i had apparently applied for an MA in Architecture Design..which is not an equivalent to a Part 2 qualification..but the thing is, i didn't..as my written, hardcopy form, says MArch in Architecture (RIBA Part 2)..but my online file says the previous..astaghfirullah....

the last time i felt this tense was when i was on the verge of failing my design in Part 5..

oh my God..oh my God..such tribulationnnnnn..

the situation can still be fixed..yes, it's true..it's true..and it will be..i know it willllllll!!..right?...

insyaAllah..oh God, please aid me in fixing this mess..please.....

it's been a while since i seriously majorly cried in public..thank you someone for calling me which forced me to stop immediately..i feel so otak bercelaru right now.......

Puchong?

i got lost on the road again today..like seriously lost, to the point i couldn't figure out my bearings and my instincts were zero..

i was doing well for the first 3/4 of the journey, remembering the directions from google maps..then what i imagined to be a regular T-junction turned out to be a raised fly-over on both sides with traffic lights in the middle..it made me panic and i over-shot and freaked out..

then after figuring out how to go about U-turn-ing, i forgot which side of the traffic light i came from and ended up going in circles..thank God for a BHP petrol station with a kind sales person inside, i eventually found my way..

i'm glad i gave myself an hour to get there..i anticipated getting lost, so i reached my destination on-time :) harharhar

then on the way home, something incredible happened..as i had confidently figured out my way back, they closed up the fly-over that would take me to the sunway toll..the one and only LDP fly-over (that i know of lah)..all the cars were directed down and i was like "ehh??"..and ended up going towards Balakong..i wanted to cry..

this is when i gave up with the road signs and called my dad..thank God thank God i had my phone with sufficient battery life..and i'm back home in one piece..

this is the story of my merry monday puchong adventure.

Anti Depressants on Cloud Nine

how can human feelings be so confusing, in such extremes, at the same time?..how can someone be ecstatic and depressed all at once?..how can i be dancing to pitbull and akon in the car and want to burst into tears while singing along?..

i'm kidding myself if i think i'm fine, because clearly i'm not.

upon reflection now, i'm sure i made the right decision..we are worlds a part, my life has no business in his and vice versa..i also don't think that i can forgive, nor forget, some of the things said when we fell through the cracks and especially the ones after it all ended..yes, i will say it in the open now, i think enough grace period has been spent..

i'm still sad, i'm still hurt, and i still haven't fully recovered..worst stilllll, i'm in denial..oh wait, now that i'm admitting it, i guess i'm not anymore?..ugh, whatever..

i received a message today..when i read it, it made me cry..then i realized who the message's from..then i just wanted to go home and bury myself in a pillow..i wish things were different..i wish we were different..but it wasn't and we aren't, and that's that.

i've gotten so used to not having to be alone that it proves to be quite difficult lately..my social awkwardness ratio and random fears have significantly increased..and the past 4 years of being engrossed in such specifics has rendered me a complete geek..i don't know if i'll ever be normal again..seriously..

ironically..i'm still sooooo excitably giddy over an awesom-azing-entertaining yesterday night..and within this hyper edged excitement is when i realize that i haven't fully let go yet..i still behave like i'm somebody's somebody..and that's a habit that'll take time to let go..

thank you so much for everything..but i'm so sorry..

i really want to let go....

i don't want to be mourning anymore

Proud To Be A Workaholic!

so, i woke up extra late today and rushed to work..only to reach the office to realize today's an off day!! and i got superb parking summore! hahahahahahahahahaha!! i can be so lame..

ps : it's been such a gloomy day today..mendung -> hujan -> mendung -> hujan.......

how to summarize 17 ridiculous days?

i have a lot to say right now..but not at the moment though cause i'm sooo tired..the past 17 days from my last blog post have been amazing~!..i still need time for it all to fully sink in..i'm on cloud nine it's craaazzzzyyy..

i have officially developed a crush..like seriously..hahaha..but it's just one of those silly crushes that you know will most probably just die unattended..no no no, i'm not saying who..hahahahaha..sebab malu kot..wahatever :p

goodnight~* :)

22nd February 2010

so...

i'll start working again tomorrow..i really want to, but i don't want to as well..hahaha!

long holidays can be very bad for personal productivity man..

hopefully tomorrow will be a good day..hopefully i don't create socially awkward situations again..*sigh..

well new office, here i come.

my (hopefully) last weekday bumming

eee..kenapa ramai hipokrit ah dalam dunia ni..how do they even go to sleep at night?..whatever..no business of mine anymore..

so, i'm gonna start work at the new office on monday! yeayyyy!!! i can't stand living a useless life anymore..macam nak mati ~(-_-)~ my mind should never be left idle for too long..

i really like my new workplace! it's pretty :) n got proper fittings and comfortable chairs and a notice board! i love notice boards!! and the desktop is super fast and super efficient..i like, i like! the security function at the entrance is really cool too, they take my finger print to open the door..yeah man..i feel like i'm a top secret architectural agent! hahahaha!

i love!! and the best part is my office hours starts at 10am..yes, how cool is that right..aaaahhhhh..and the location no need to say lah, i've got my pappa rich and starbucks to satisfy me everyday..so far, it's really shaping up to be a fantastic decision..

i really hope i will be a great asset to the new company..i also really hope that i will enjoy my working atmosphere and get to explore and expand my abilities as an architectural assistant..high hopes for new chapter in life!! insyaAllah!!

woopeeeeee~*!!!!

A Withered Rose

The most beautiful things in life

are those we usually take for granted,

and only appreciate when it's already too late.

Shut Up and Drive

i like driving with the window down..i get to feel the wind on my face and in my hair..hear the sound of it and cars rushing by..air-conditioning usually gives me cold shivers and a dry feeling in my throat anyway..one problem about driving with the window down though, i can't hear the music on the radio..oh ya, and the air usually smells quite bad in malaysia..unless if it just rained..

but once i get on the highway, i guess i'll just blast my radio as loud as i need to..no one can hear me then anyway..

it's crazy how fast people drive on highways sometimes..i feel like an idiot when i'm driving to the speed limit..and everyone else will make me feel like i'm a useless slow-poke crowding the long stretch of bitumen and tar..eee..i get nervous when i'm speeding..

life is kinda like driving on a highway, kan..everyone is moving so fast..sometimes you don't know how fast you're going because you're pacing yourself with everyone else..it's so tiring.."people" in this context being "cars" just flash by..sometimes we follow sometimes we lead..

i think i'm experiencing a burn out..my engine's rusty from the long hauls..it seems i haven't been replacing my black oil as frequently as i should..the window's down, and the air is rushing in..adding to the weight as i still drive on ahead..everyone is moving so fast..everyone is passing by..the radiator is almost dry, and there's smoke bellowing from the hood..but i still can't stop, because my destination is still far away..and all these cars are passing me by..

it won't be too long before i catch on fire....then "boom" goes my engine?..

Reflection

i decided to attend a wedding this afternoon, a friend's family member was getting married and she invited me quite nicely on facebook..so despite my mom questioning my reason for going, i decided to go anyway..

thing is, there was some history between me and this friend and it doesn't help that the group of other invited guests are mostly also not in my close circle of friends..this shouldn't be a problem, but i seem to have had developed some relationships in school that left a kind of bitter taste in the mouth..so, explains my mom's curiosity for me wanting to go all of a sudden..

honestly, i don't really know why i was so adamant..but i went anyway lah..

so i went with one of my closest friend, as she was invited as well..and as we entered the venue seeing my friend's parents and all, i gave myself a pat on the back as i still remembered how most of her family members look as the last i saw them were ages ago..haha..

ok, long story short..we salam-salam-ed, makan-makan, cakap-cakap, photo-photo and then said our goodbyes and left lah..

what i deduced from the whole evening was that i am honestly and utterly contented with my life right now and i am so thankful that i am way way from who i was in the past..

well, i am thankful for the opportunities that i was presented at school but i guess good company and just a simply "rich" and moderately blessed life is way happier and healthier..haha!..

i don't feel the need to impress or fulfill every single person around me anymore..and it reminds me that the few people i do really appreciate in life deserve a little TLC every now and then, just to remind them how special they are..i am also at peace with the fact that not all relationships were meant to bloom into beautiful roses that need protection, that the term acquaintance was created for a reason, and that sadly not everyone can be called a friend..so painful..but it's the bitter reality of things huh..i think i can learn to accept that.. :p

-end-