Wishlist

i wish i could read minds..to a certain extent..like i can switch it on and off, when i really need some peace of mind..i wish i could let other people read my mind too..when i don't know how to relay something in words..or especially when there's no way something can be described in words..

i wish i could sing to some people..when i want to sing to these people..without feeling nauseously nervous and without over-thinking the "why-s"..

i wish i could get over myself..and get out of my head..and just have more "balls" to do something about stuff..stuff that mean a lot to me..stuff that i'm clearly finding hard to leave be..

i wish i could repeat that window of time..to appreciate it even more..to probably replay it over, and over, and over again..because it made me sincerely happy, whole, giddy and fulfilled..

safe..strong..able...

i wish......a million wishes right now.........

i saw something in the stars that night..strong enough to make me cry..i felt something that gave me light..something i'm sure changed me..something worth fighting for..

so why am i not fighting?..what's wrong with me....

Troubled Nerves

i stopped posting for a while..i actually considered stopping completely..but i succumb to the need for a place to rant my mindless thoughts..somewhere to technically receive and store it without having to give anything back..it's good therapy i think..and it doesn't bother people who don't look for it..

i'm leaving for London in a day..it's 2 am and i'm so nervous i can't sleep..i need to wake up early tomorrow to do a few more things before departing..yet i'm awake, nervous and yawning..

i'm worried about everything..tickets, accommodation, money, unforeseen circumstances, did i forget anything? important documents? blah, blah, blah..i hate it when there's no pre-prepared plan..but i do everything without good pre-planning most of the time..my brother would be so "proud" :p

it's the 1st time i will be travelling technically alone..effing nerve wrecking..ughhhhh..never in my life i thought i would wish to cancel a fun filled fortnight and just stay in my room due to nerves..i thought i was more bad-ass than that..dammit!..

please, oh please God let this be a good and worth-it first trip..i'm so stressedddddd..i can't even concentrate on "Dexter"! i thought an episode would calm me ('0_0') i'm so worriedddddddddddddd..ughh, i'm such a loser..

ok, enough complaining..wish me luck infinite cyber world..please let me come back in one piece, alive, breathing, perfectly well, with all things and limbs intact :p i can't believe i'm typing this shiet..i'm crazy..

goodnight.

Nightmare at 2.30am

Ok, I'm agitated and I can't sleep..so I've decided to write this post..

My gut has been quite accurate so far, if I really listened..I felt strongly on the win against Argentina, it was worrying but the winning feeling was there..I was however in denial with Spain and underestimated their slightly inconsistent form..clearly I was wrong and they played really well..

Confession : the day before the world cup began my mom had asked me who I thought would be champions this time around, and my answer was Spain..I didn't share this with anyone else..

I know, I'm such a traitor..

I've been a German fan since we (my wc girlfriends for life!!) started to watch this crazy time stopping worldwide event..it is officially our 3rd wc together n as German fans through n through..I don't even remember how we got about to being German fans but I think it had something to do with Michael Ballack, n the superb skills of Kahn, Lehman, Klose, Lahm, Mertesacker and the rest of the superstar senior team, just to name some favourites..

4 years ago, we being excitable young teens, stitched our own German gear, painted our nails black, red n yellow, even bought matching shoe laces to show our support..unfortunately, in the semis, Germany lost to Italy on penalties..we watched that game on foot for the full duration of 120minutes + + as we couldn't get a table..it was heartbreaking..

Today, history has repeated itself..only involving Spain this time, without penalties or even extra time..and all 3 of us girls were watching in separate venues..without too much German "merchandise" :p (there's a word for it, but I can't seem to dig it out of my brain)

Heartbreaking, again..

I will however admit that Spain was the better team today, with little drama involved in play for both sides..it was the worste Germany has performed in this wc, which did not suck considering they've been tremendous through out, and the best game from Spain so far..their passing was impeccable, aggressive atacking, crazy close-control and great team work..n most importantly, they delivered when it mattered the most..

I had said that if Germany was able to block-out Villa from scoring and prevent an early Spain goal then they would win..I was wrong..they did both n they still lost..

It was a good German team this year..mad young skills..just unfortunately not good enough..n I think Muller being out of the game had caused a big hole in their attacking formation..Klose, Muller, Ozil n Podolski have been playing really well together..I'm in love with Mesut Ozil btw..but am a little disappointed in his last 2 games though..I'm sure he can do better..*sigh..

All in all, my gut is sticking with Spain for champions..let's see if my gut is as accurate as Paul the octopus :p I'm so angry at this animal right now, although I know it's not its fault..sorry Paul, you're my punching bag for the rest of the world cup.

For what it's worth, Los Deutchsland!! Ich denke un dich.

July is suppose to be fun dammit!

Today was an odd day..

It was freezing although the sun was up strikingly bright..

I had enough sleep but felt like I stayed up for 2.30 football that morning..

Ppl just decided to go on emergency leave and left me to die alone..

My boss seemed to have had forgotten some things that started to confuse me n gave me a headache..

I wanted to listen to mellow music again..

Something exploded, literally, as I was crossing towards that direction..luckily I didn't cross the street yet..

Pappa rich was jam packed at 10pm on a Monday night..

I didn't finish work..obviously..I was disappointingly unable to juggle the work load of 3..

I drove back half asleep at 12.30am..

But now I can't sleep.......

Seriously........

:(

Baa Baa Black Sheep with Jack, Jill and the Hill

ugh..i lost the name card..yes i did..what a wonderful morning it's turning out to be..

i just got another disappointing reply from a university that i really reallllyyyyy REALLY want to go to..oh my God..it's me, isn't it? ..i don't pray enough..i've been having too much fun..i want it too much, or maybe not enough??..no, no, i wan't it too much..like Rachel said in glee "i want everything too much"..

i'm suppose to be devastated, which i am, but i'm too tired to feel..i'm only still awake because i just finished some office work due today..

i don't know what to feel..despite the countless rejections, life seems to be going in all the right directions..work is great..i love what i'm doing, and what i do is appreciated..that's all that i could hope for..i love my friends..i feel like giving them an XOXOXO just for fun every now and then..my adorable cat is occasionally obedient and oh-so-manja with me..my family is all healthy and well, alhamdulillah..everything is great actually..but i'm just not getting accepted to where i wanna go lah..

oh God..it can only be a sign right?..i dunno lah.....

Now, out of the 8 unis i applied to, the only hope left alive is from UCL (hahahahaha! i've so totally lost hope on this), Liverpool and the correct Sheffield course..sigh.....

Should i just take the Masters without the Part 2?..who knows where that would leave me??..honest question here, i'm really considering that unknown path..uuuuuggghhhhhh..

U know what, i tak larat nak apply for the Aussie ones dah..i don't wanna get rejected anymore!!! (v:__:v) tak sanggup......

To top it all off, i'm emotionally messed up again..it's not my hormones, it's really just me..i'm lost and depressive-ly verging on obsessive again..i'm probably hallucinating, seeing too much into absolutely nothing, and wanting AGAIN..i hate wanting!!..i'm such a loseerrrr..arggghhhhh!!....

i need a holiday..the beaches of Bali are calling to me..i need to centre my chakra..to manage my chi..to visualize the intangible strings of the universe to be as one with what is called me....

i need my pre-planned future back..i feel so unsettled not knowing..

Anti Depressants on Cloud Nine

how can human feelings be so confusing, in such extremes, at the same time?..how can someone be ecstatic and depressed all at once?..how can i be dancing to pitbull and akon in the car and want to burst into tears while singing along?..

i'm kidding myself if i think i'm fine, because clearly i'm not.

upon reflection now, i'm sure i made the right decision..we are worlds a part, my life has no business in his and vice versa..i also don't think that i can forgive, nor forget, some of the things said when we fell through the cracks and especially the ones after it all ended..yes, i will say it in the open now, i think enough grace period has been spent..

i'm still sad, i'm still hurt, and i still haven't fully recovered..worst stilllll, i'm in denial..oh wait, now that i'm admitting it, i guess i'm not anymore?..ugh, whatever..

i received a message today..when i read it, it made me cry..then i realized who the message's from..then i just wanted to go home and bury myself in a pillow..i wish things were different..i wish we were different..but it wasn't and we aren't, and that's that.

i've gotten so used to not having to be alone that it proves to be quite difficult lately..my social awkwardness ratio and random fears have significantly increased..and the past 4 years of being engrossed in such specifics has rendered me a complete geek..i don't know if i'll ever be normal again..seriously..

ironically..i'm still sooooo excitably giddy over an awesom-azing-entertaining yesterday night..and within this hyper edged excitement is when i realize that i haven't fully let go yet..i still behave like i'm somebody's somebody..and that's a habit that'll take time to let go..

thank you so much for everything..but i'm so sorry..

i really want to let go....

i don't want to be mourning anymore