This space contains the ramblings of a post young adult who's in denial..so be warned..i have not got around to updating the links on the left hand side, so also be warned, some of them will lead you to n o t h i n g..it's probably important to also clarify that i write for personal pleasure, thus, most posts are indulgent, whiny or both..happy reading :)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Panda on My Table

Another 2 am post....

i'm so tiredddddddd ~**  (#__#) .....

i wanna go home, to the mattress, in front of the fire...and sleep...

come on human, don't burn out now !


PS : happy anniversary dearest <3   i am so thankful for you  :)  
wishing us many many more to come.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Blind Panic


i find myself writing this post because i'm emotionally disturbed again..it's like i blog only when i need to vomit compressed emotions..how needy :p

its 5 days to final crit, my last project in this long and adventurous journey of architectural education..hopefully (iA) ..it's a thesis in a group of 4, very different from other schools that are usually an individual exploration for about 12 months..but here in this School of Architecture, we have an additional module that's incredibly invaluable i think..and thus making our thesis a crazy explosion of about 30 weeks..i don't care what anyone says or thinks, this sh**t is hard !

5 days is not too short a period neither is it ever enough in studio terms..yesterday was the beckoning of a blind panic mode and a break over dinner almost drove me to tears composing myself from a nervous breakdown..a studio mate described the feeling perfectly, "there's so much work, and i'm just so tired and hungry.."

despite being physically self-abusive (writing a miserable blog post at 2.40am to calm down), it's almost that time of the month again and i find myself emotionally abusive as well..being so unstable, needy and embarrassingly paranoid..when i really think i've finally found my guy i'm really worried that i might just drive him away with my crazy-ness..or i might just loose it all together where my mind betrays me and i convince myself i'm better off miserable and alone for life..i pray upon prayyyy it will never come to that..

 ok, i feel better now..back to breaking my back and ruining my posture.. approximately 1 month to the end of the end of THE ENDDD..the much awaited graduate show..

i pray that all will go well..i pray we will all pass and move on with the next chapter of life..i sincerely pray....

and let there be success and gratefulness at the end of this journey,  iA...


~ Blue Skies ~

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Step-up

Was reading a funny photo comment on Pudu Jail on Facebook when I realised I never knew how it looked like in aerial view. This led to google and the stumbling upon updates on the Pudu redevelopment plan.

It's depressing really looking at the state of dialogue within the country. Many forums, sites and articles mainly discuss it's economic and political feasibility with hardly any concern on cultural, social and accessibility impact. One particular 'expert' involved in the redevelopment was even quoted saying "...it's all about rebranding properly, people will eventually forget after a while. Especially with the new generation buying into the market..."

Are you serious? Is this the way we as Malaysians treat history? We are more concerned with taboo and bad vibes compared to the issue of heritage and national identity? How are we suppose to feel any sort of patriotism if we intentionally choose to forget things in our past for convenience?

It's completely appropriate to redevelop the area due to its location, but such stupidity is unacceptable. Apartments? Office Space? Yet another commercial complex? A vehicular transport hub, on that point of Jalan Hang Tuah?? Have we really not learned being more than 50 years independant?

There is more than just commerce involved in making KL a "vibrant livable city". Everyone is so concerned about making the most profit, no one stops to ask the more important questions. There are so many underlying issues that need to be addressed.

How can we make KL more accessible without relying on vehicles? Out of the people who commute in and out of KL, what is the percentage of those who actually live in KL? Do we then need to provide a better public transport to network the outside of KL? Being a historical city centre in its own right, where are the evidence? Are these attractions accessible? What are their urban functions? What is the global image that KL represents? What are our existing gardens and parks like? Why don't we choose to link them? Why do people prefer not to travel on foot? Do people feel safe in KL? Why if Yes or No? This can go on forever to be honest, and it's things students in the industry learn but why is it so hard to be applied in 'real-world-Malaysia'. Why then can other countries do it?

Yes, something should be done as part of the greater KL city plan, but I'm convinced we as Malaysians can do better than this. Let's stop being so greedy and explore a larger picture.

I'm appalled at the investors that had initiated the Pudu redevelopment, I'm angry at the government for not intervening immediately enough, I'm frustrated at the general crowd that discusses shallow opinions on the matter, I'm completely pissed at LAM and PAM for not doing anything nearly enough, I am mostly so angry at myself for being so ignorant of this previously that I didn't do anything either.

Will mentality be the continued delay of our nation? Will we ever rise above this...

When will we choose to step-up and do something rather than complain on the sidelines? What can I do to affect any change, whattttt??! Arghhhhh..so frustratingggg




Friday, February 17, 2012

Ryan Red





Meet my vintage sweater named Ryan. He is a terribly festive red. We don't know how Ryan got his name, but we are incredibly thankful for his warmth and comfort. Thank you Ryan, you've wooled me through winter.

Eternally greatful,

your sleeping buddy

Dictionary.com

Word of the day :

"mammonism" - the greedy pursuit of riches

...so very interesting...



Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Quick Fix

i haven't been actively blogging for a while now, i realize..lot's of things have happened..yes..but now i want to talk about other things..haha!

i broke my glasses last month, which can be said to be last year..hmm..luckily, i had foresight to make a pair of spare for cheap back home during summer..i wear them at night when i'm home usually as my day glasses are a bit heavy..but now that i have to wear these everyday i hate it :(

i have come to appreciate the magic of larger framed spectacles! simply, i can see more without squinting and they make my eyes look bigger as i am naturally "sepet". Kesian my spare glasses, i don't mean to hate..i think i'm giving it negative vibes which it does not deserve..

the other day i took off my specs to use the shower, then i forgot where i put them. It took me a good half hour to locate my glasses (yes, i am quite sadly optically disabled now) and i had to result to holding up my broken pair of glasses to find the good ones. FYI, i only occasionally wear contact lenses now as i'm kind of "allergic" to them due to other reasons that we don't have to talk about.

so why am i going on about this again? hmm...

i know..i guess because i'm tired, i'm almost bored of doing this thing called dissertation and i'm missing home all of a sudden..again. I want to spend time with my recently pregnant cousin, i want to annoy my brother, i want to see my Popo, i want to lo-sang; twice, one with my Ah Yie, Uncle, Popo and cousins and another with my Mak Ngah and Mak Teh..most of all, i want to watch tv in the hall with my parentsss! arghhh..

winter blues are so depressing..

ps : thanks SB for randomly holidaying in London..am really glad i got to come down and see you for a bit..absolute highlight of my January :)

Monday, December 5, 2011

iPad

E : Do you play "noodle-jump"?? (this is what i heard)
A : no, what's that?
E : it's when you tilt your iPhone or iPad to jump on to the levels..
A : ...i don't understand...
E : because the level is bouncy..
A : ...
E : can i show you??
A : ok...but what are "you"?..
E : "you" are...a thing
A : (hahahahaha!)

i now know it's a game app called Doodle Jump and "you" are a doodle that looks like a potato squid...

i want iPad..

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Wishlist

i wish i could read minds..to a certain extent..like i can switch it on and off, when i really need some peace of mind..i wish i could let other people read my mind too..when i don't know how to relay something in words..or especially when there's no way something can be described in words..

i wish i could sing to some people..when i want to sing to these people..without feeling nauseously nervous and without over-thinking the "why-s"..

i wish i could get over myself..and get out of my head..and just have more "balls" to do something about stuff..stuff that mean a lot to me..stuff that i'm clearly finding hard to leave be..

i wish i could repeat that window of time..to appreciate it even more..to probably replay it over, and over, and over again..because it made me sincerely happy, whole, giddy and fulfilled..

safe..strong..able...

i wish......a million wishes right now.........

i saw something in the stars that night..strong enough to make me cry..i felt something that gave me light..something i'm sure changed me..something worth fighting for..

so why am i not fighting?..what's wrong with me....


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Escapes from Some Kinda Crazy


1. Zee + Tea + Locanda Locatelli :)

the absolute bomb..zee's visit was timely and Locatelli was an EXPERIENCE..haha!



2. London, Meet & Greet at Bayswater

made some new friends there..was an interesting outing..will definitely appreciate a "re-group" of some sort..t'was fun :)



3. School's Easter Ball

it is incredibly fun to get together every now and then with everyone dressed up, pretty, and just excitably dance-y..i just love 'em..the music and the place that night was pretty good too..




March has been very kind to me :)

~ Now, off to work you! ~


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Done (Temporarily)

4 day breaks are the effing bomb..

I'm gonna mmmmaximizzzzzzeeeee

- i need a doctor, doctor..to be bring me back to life~*



Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I'm Working Hard, Seriously! :(

freaking out..

all is good but..matilahhhhh..

it's so susah as it is..just to survive..minimum upper second class?..60% for all modulesss???

piglettssssssss..die die dieeeeee..luckily contract only begins now..but still, i'll probably get an effing warning letter already..dieeeeeeeeeee..

shit..

but i should be going for high grades..if i plan to ever get to do a specific masters or phd..

i'm an idiot!

argghhhhhh..cry.........

The Final Lap

7 days..

to solitary confinement again..

i'm not so sure that's a good thing anymore..

it gets lonely doesn't it?..

i should be more worried about now..

the next 7 days are crucial!

- success will only come to those who strive for it -

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Tea House Cafe

Had a great day out this morning..the sun was up and blinding which is absolutely fantastic..even the chilly wind at 3 degrees Celsius felt like summer..haha..

Was having lunch at my favourite miso soup noodles cafe and watching Bold Street come to life..there was a range rover looking vehicle side parking by my window and I thought to myself, damn I miss driving..

It's that feeling u get when u vainly think the whole world is watching u struggling to side park, just waiting for u to make a stupid "lady driver" mistake so they can laugh at how horrid ure side parking skills are..

The weird things u miss in life :p

~**~
architecture ; "it is the total environment made visible"
- Suzanne Langer



Saturday, February 5, 2011

Innocence..Ignorance..Incompetence..

salty seas..windy whirls..
it's hard to be..when thoughts unfurl..
needs and wants..hates, despise..
when which is what, where do we start..
utter conviction and perpetual reasons..
are they just lies of the changing seasons?
why disappointment, why despair?
curiously, why is there even care?
hopes and dreams, impulsive whims..
delusions and fancies, of that intangibly there
maybe here? maybe not anywhere..
yet so upset..we do still dare..
to thirst, to crave, unrequited..
to hurt, to bleed, scarred; defeated..
a strangely tasteful disposition..
what will be should be
and what unyielding vagary should be made be
by you.........by me
the satisfying need of an emotional body
the continuous beat of a rhythmic heart
.....ignorance.....
a fresh start.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

panic attacks are not for me

i need to inhale..i need to calm down..i need to not have nervous breakdowns..

i need to manage my emotions..i need to learn how to work well with others..i need to have a healthy hobby..

i need to finish my work early and not just in time..

i need to be an adult.

i need to pray.

i must not loose my mind

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Another Day

Yet another day in London..however, no touristy things have been achieved yet..haha..accept for eating duck in Bayswater..effing A+ man..how will I survive without it now :p

Another new hostel I'm checked into today..it's nice n quiet, compared to the one yesterday..but far too cold, with no hot water to shower at night..sayang..put this environment with yesterdays facilities and u have a winner man..

There's a rat in the kitchen..no, too cute n small to be a rat..a mouse maybe..eee..haha..

Something really bad and embarrassing happened tonight..I cannot explain, but I hope it never happens again..but God sent me an angel to save me then..alhamdulillah..

Wanna wake up early for breakfast tomorrow..n do a bit of work before going out for the day..I really hope I will succeed :)

Ok, laundry's done..until later.

-end-


Monday, December 27, 2010

Boxing Day

My first boxing day conquests include :

1. Pink Toga Dress




and

2. Storybook!




Hehe..that's it..I think tomorrow may include a couple of yarn balls for my Popo..if I can afford it..n that's it :p

Don't wanna go broke in Paris..

Goodnight!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Great Day for Giving


i'm in London, with sara-chan and her family..it's been a really nice and homey christmas so far, which is my favourite kind; nice, quite, comfortable and with great company..

this morning will be boxing day as it is past midnight already..we plan to leave really early to hunt for superb bargains and i'll have to make my way to my new bed for 3 nights..i'm starting to get nervous again :p sigh..need to sleep real soon..

i miss my parents and my brother..i wish they were here spending christmas with me..i wish i could be going back to a hotel room with them tomorrow..but that's not the case..sigh..it's still better than staying in Liverpool freaked and alone anyway.. so let's though it out and be more bad ass, yeah!! need to learn to travel on my own..

i also miss madam yaya..haha..it would have been great to meet her in London for christmas..but she deserves a better holiday than being stranded in a freezing airport..so we'll hopefully catch-up in summer, insyaAllah :)

we're letting back-to-back episodes of "southpark" disturb us to sleep..how disturbing is that :p

and a big congratulations to my cousin on her wedding yesterday!..it's unfortunate that i couldn't be there..but still fantastic all in all..i really wish i could teleport right now..someday, this will all be possible..ngahahahahaha..

goodnight dear cyber space..thanks for listening :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Idle Mind

do you believe in instincts?..like the ability for your gut to tell you or rather inspire you to feel a certain way about/towards something..even when all the facts and situations are pointing in a completely different direction, your gut just still won't shut up..seriously, what do you do next?..

i wasn't prepared before..but now i know i am..i'm sure of it..i've regained my stability, i have accepted and moved on and i am now able to be rational, i believe..i sound like a chant from one of those self-help books..omg..

i don't know if what i'm feeling is real..i don't know anything anymore..but whatever i do feel is hella strong and it is not going away and i hate it..i hate being this out of control, it's stupid..i should be way past this childish phase of obsession..but instead what i know for sure is that it hurts so damn bad when it breaks into a million pieces in front of me and i can't fix it..and it doesn't effing go away..f***, go away!..i hate reading a blank wall, i hate the scary expanse of open sea..i h a t e i t a l l

but unfortunately this shitty roller-coaster i'm strapped into is the only thing that makes me feel, cornily enough, "alive"..it keeps life interesting..and as much as i hate it, i'm in love with it..what the hell is wrong with me..

maybe it's a good thing to distract myself with travelling..maybe i should just walk away and stay away..but these freakin fantasies are too tempting to ignore..oh God, i'm so pissed at myself right now!

arghhh, this silence in my room is killing me!..and i sound like a freakin psycho..super..

just for the record, i'm not suicidal or anything..and i'm emotionally perfectly fine..maybe doing too "fine" even :p..i'm just having a stupid problem with myself and i can't seem to fix it..i need to stop dreaming and focus..i can't seem to focus..dammit.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Troubled Nerves

i stopped posting for a while..i actually considered stopping completely..but i succumb to the need for a place to rant my mindless thoughts..somewhere to technically receive and store it without having to give anything back..it's good therapy i think..and it doesn't bother people who don't look for it..

i'm leaving for London in a day..it's 2 am and i'm so nervous i can't sleep..i need to wake up early tomorrow to do a few more things before departing..yet i'm awake, nervous and yawning..

i'm worried about everything..tickets, accommodation, money, unforeseen circumstances, did i forget anything? important documents? blah, blah, blah..i hate it when there's no pre-prepared plan..but i do everything without good pre-planning most of the time..my brother would be so "proud" :p

it's the 1st time i will be travelling technically alone..effing nerve wrecking..ughhhhh..never in my life i thought i would wish to cancel a fun filled fortnight and just stay in my room due to nerves..i thought i was more bad-ass than that..dammit!..

please, oh please God let this be a good and worth-it first trip..i'm so stressedddddd..i can't even concentrate on "Dexter"! i thought an episode would calm me ('0_0') i'm so worriedddddddddddddd..ughh, i'm such a loser..

ok, enough complaining..wish me luck infinite cyber world..please let me come back in one piece, alive, breathing, perfectly well, with all things and limbs intact :p i can't believe i'm typing this shiet..i'm crazy..

goodnight.